-Jilianne Booth
1. A Ministry of Presence: Put down your phone, plan a special meal or outing with your teen, sit and watch Netflix together, or blast some music together while driving in the car. Your goal during this time is to be fully present. Your call is to come alongside your child in purposeful, solid ways. Even of it seems strange to you that your child is so upset about someone she/he didn't necessarily know well, loss is loss. Their feelings are valid and healthy.
2. Listen: You can’t “fix” this for your youth or change how they feel. Each person experiences grief differently. There is no wrong or right way. Often for middle school students this may well be the first time someone they actually knew (even though not well) has died. You will want to remember that while grief is a totally healthy and normal reaction, grieving does not feel natural because it may be difficult to control the emotions, thoughts, or physical feelings associated with a death … especially a freak and horrific accident like Polly’s.
3. Reassure and Affirm. Again, it is not your job to "fix" anything .. but if the opportunity presents itself, affirm your student in that what they are feeling is ok:
It’s ok to be sad.
It’s ok to not understand.
It’s even ok to be mad at God (God is BIG and can totally handle that). See Lamentations 3:33.
It’s valid to hurt even if you didn’t know Polly that well. She was a part of our church and EYC family.
4. Join the Journey: Stages of Grief. Because I was one (my dad was killed by a drunk driver when I was 10 years old) ... I truly believe that the absolute best way to assist a grieving youth is to settle into a role of coming alongside them and accompanying them on their journey, called grief. That role, as mentioned above, is to be a listener and a calm presence in this emotionally chaotic time.
There are 5 universal stages of grief. In the grief process, it is normal for someone to go through these stages in a random order and even to return to previous stages. There is no right or wrong way. It may be especially helpful to remind your student that because everyone goes through the stages differently, they may need to be especially patient, loving, and understanding toward their peers who may be at a different point in the grief process than they are.
The stages of grief were developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with loss. I would encourage you to google Kubler-Ross for detailed information.
As you talk with your youth about the stages, it may be helpful to provide a visual representation to help them "see" the concept. Below is a fun meme that is built of emojis! Helping them hear about these stages equips youth to have some sense of order and is a practical tool to help control their emotional chaos. (This meme comes from www.qrius.com)
Grief in teens can look different from grief in adults. Per http://www.childandfamilymentalhealth.com: how a teen responds to the death may shift depending on: 1) their emotional level of maturity; 2) their relationship with the deceased; 3) their previous experiences with death and, 4) the nature of the death (anticipated or unexpected).
It is my prayer that this information is helpful and offers you some practical resources.
