Grief Helps for Parents of Teens

4 Steps for Helping Youth through the Process of Grief
-Jilianne Booth

1. A Ministry of Presence: Put down your phone, plan a special meal or outing with your teen, sit and watch Netflix together, or blast some music together while driving in the car. Your goal during this time is to be fully present. Your call is to come alongside your child in purposeful, solid ways. Even of it seems strange to you that your child is so upset about someone she/he didn't necessarily know well, loss is loss. Their feelings are valid and healthy.

2. Listen: You can’t “fix” this for your youth or change how they feel. Each person experiences grief differently. There is no wrong or right way. Often for middle school students this may well be the first time someone they actually knew (even though not well) has died. You will want to remember that while grief is a totally healthy and normal reaction, grieving does not feel natural because it may be difficult to control the emotions, thoughts, or physical feelings associated with a death … especially a freak and horrific accident like Polly’s.

3. Reassure and Affirm. Again, it is not your job to "fix" anything .. but if the opportunity presents itself, affirm your student in that what they are feeling is ok:
It’s ok to be sad.
It’s ok to not understand.
It’s even ok to be mad at God (God is BIG and can totally handle that). See Lamentations 3:33.
It’s valid to hurt even if you didn’t know Polly that well. She was a part of our church and EYC family.

4. Join the Journey: Stages of Grief. Because I was one (my dad was killed by a drunk driver when I was 10 years old) ... I truly believe that the absolute best way to assist a grieving youth is to settle into a role of coming alongside them and accompanying them on their journey, called grief. That role, as mentioned above, is to be a listener and a calm presence in this emotionally chaotic time.

There are 5 universal stages of grief. In the grief process, it is normal for someone to go through these stages in a random order and even to return to previous stages. There is no right or wrong way. It may be especially helpful to remind your student that because everyone goes through the stages differently, they may need to be especially patient, loving, and understanding toward their peers who may be at a different point in the grief process than they are.

The stages of grief were developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with loss. I would encourage you to google Kubler-Ross for detailed information.

As you talk with your youth about the stages, it may be helpful to provide a visual representation to help them "see" the concept. Below is a fun meme that is built of emojis! Helping them hear about these stages equips youth to have some sense of order and is a practical tool to help control their emotional chaos. (This meme comes from www.qrius.com)



Grief in teens can look different from grief in adults. Per http://www.childandfamilymentalhealth.com: how a teen responds to the death may shift depending on: 1) their emotional level of maturity; 2) their relationship with the deceased; 3) their previous experiences with death and, 4) the nature of the death (anticipated or unexpected).

It is my prayer that this information is helpful and offers you some practical resources.

Holy Week and Teens

Holy Week and Teens
-Jillianne Booth
03.28.18

Beginning to finish up the self-reflective, lamenting, solemn time that is the season of Lent, Palm Sunday offers us a more blissful occasion in the life of our worship.  And there is something palpable and absolutely inspiring about the movement of the Holy Spirit in the celebration that is our Easter worship! 

But what about the week in between the two?  Holy week!  A week that is most profound and meaningful in our Christian journey.  Without Jesus, after all, would there even be much of a point to this Christian journey we have committed to?  It's a week most easily skipped over because of busy-ness, Spring Break vacations, beautiful spring evenings, and because it is just not necessarily the most pleasant of a worship week ... and don't even get started on the quantity of worship services - there are just SO many (two and three a day at some points in the week)!  

Talking to our teens about Holy week can be tough because it is gruesome, hard to understand, and uncomfortable.  I mean, come on, who wants to touch another persons feet ... much less wash them on Maundy Thursday?  And we don't like to think about or picture the beating Jesus surely endured or nails being driven through his hands and feet.  And why in the heck would I get up and go to church a 3:00a.m. to participate in a prayer vigil?    

Nevertheless, Christian discipleship calls us to go to the cross ... and sometimes that means propelling (read: dragging) our teens there.  

I read an article this week from the Fuller Institute that imagined and highlighted several of the emotions that Jesus must have experienced during this week: disappointment, betrayal, and dread.  Good news for parents trying to establish some connection to Jesus with our teens in Holy week (read: dragging our teens to the cross) ... these are emotions that adolescents understand.  The fact that "Jesus can empathize with them and is present with them in these challenging emotions" truly humanizes Jesus to teens in ways that can help them move deeper in their relationship with Jesus. 

Don't believe me?  Just ask your teen to name some disappointments, betrayals, and dread that they experience with their peers, the world, and even you!  Seriously!  Create a safe place for them to talk about their feelings!  You can create this safe space by practicing the following tips:

1. Do not judge!  Have a "Botox brow" and not matter what - do NOT become defensive about what they tell you.
2. Just listen, listen, listen!  Shut your mouth, for the most part, but be empathetic when appropriate ... "I remember when I was your age and something like that happened to me ...")
3. Do not try to fix it for them!  You probably can't anyways plus from the perspective of many teens - you know nothing. 
4. Do your best to relate their feelings back to Jesus!  Connect them to Jesus by giving examples of what disappointment, betrayal, and dread you imagine He experienced.  You may want to think this through ahead of the conversation.

Sunday night at youth group, our students participated in a modern day stations of the cross written specifically for teens.  This presentation was done in PowerPoint with images on the screens!  (You can check it out by clicking here).  When we got to station 7 (Jesus is Nailed to the Cross), I was flabbergasted by the reaction of several of our students to the pain and treatment that Jesus received.  It was as if they had never imagined what it was like for the nails to pierce Jesus' body.  The grimaces on faces clearly spoke to the fact that they could not imagine that anyone would spit on Jesus.  It was like they were hearing the story from a different perspective for the first time.

So, share the story.  Make Easter have an even more profound connection for your adolescent!  Look at the gruesome graphics and edgy modern day interpretations.  Have open and frank discussions with your teen.  Journal about or draw out the scenes and help your youth make an application to their life.  Go to the media your teens are using and do a search for Holy Week or #holyweek.  To these ends, here are a couple of resournces:

Passion Song - The Story of Hoy Week on YouTube


Holy Week Journaling Prompts for Teens 

Advent is a time to hope. Advent is a time to prepare. Advent is a time to be expectant.

We are waiting for the baby Jesus. But how do we push past the busy-ness, the shopping, the school exams and projects? How do we get that feeling of anticipation and excitement? How the heck do we really (and practically) get our hearts ready?

YouTube.

Yep, YouTube is where I'm turning this Advent season. Here are some great resources that I hope our youth families will share around the dinner (or breakfast or whatever time works) table! And if there's not a time you are all together, consistently, start an Advent group chat with your family and friends! Share theses links ... one a day for Advent week 3 and Christmas Eve!

December 17
Advent in 2 minutes


December 18
Re-tooning the Nativity: Things in the Nativity, not actually in the Bible


December 19
Fa-la-la-la-la: Advent Conspiracy


December 20
Hallelujah


December 21
Slow Down: O Come, O Come Emmanuel


December 22
Silent Night Sand Art


December 23
A prayer for the Advent Season


December 24

Advent Resources for Families with Teens

Advent Starts Sunday! A GREAT time to slow it down ...

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year!  Please are in the holiday spirit, for sure!  That is evidenced by all the decorations I see up in my neighborhood, the fact that yesterday's Cyber Monday spending nearly doubled (or more) last year's spending, and Christmas carols already playing on the radio! 

I think we, the people, want some happy.  I think we NEED some happy.  With all the drama happening in the news with politicians, famous people, and everyday people, we're just craving some happy.  Christmas has become an easy reminder of happy.  And we're stretching it more and more each year, it seems, even now decorating our houses BEFORE Thanksgiving!   

All of these wonderful, happy "things" are awesome but "if we aren’t intentional to prioritize the Wonderful One of the season – Jesus – before we know it, our hearts and schedules will" just be full of things.  We might miss out on the joy (and happy) God brings us in the greatest Gift ever!   

When my preteen was younger, it was easier to do a nightly Bible story read or a devotional.  But as he gets older, we get busier.  Advent is a good time and reminder to slow it down!  Wouldn't it be great to anticipate the baby Jesus like we anticipate the gift giving, decorating, time with extended family, and happy? 

This year my family will be participating in a daily Advent devotional time (that will take us 5 minutes a day).  Will you join us?  We're going to try using THE WONDER OF THE GREATEST GIFT (an interactive Advent calendar with things to add to the tree and a daily devo). I highly recommend this resource but below are some other resources I found HERE that you can use during Advent in the days leading to Christmas!  There are family devotionals and individual devotionals that are great for families with teens!  If you have Amazon Prime, they will be here in plenty of time to start Sunday!   

xxoo,
Jillianne

Unwrapping the Greatest Gift by Ann Voskamp

Traces the coming of Christ through the Bible
Download & print or purchase accompanying Jesse Tree Ornaments
Prepare Him Room by Marty Machowski

Includes activities, songs, and historical fiction story
Companion music available from Sovereign Grace Music on Spotify
Jotham’s Journey by Arnold Ytreeide

Historical Fiction
Follow Jotham’s exciting adventure in and around Judea in the year of Christ’s birth.
1 of 4 Books in a series
All is Bright by Nancy Guthrie

Detailed coloring sheets for adults
Simplified coloring sheets for kids
Same devotional content as Guthrie’s “Let Every Heart”
Let Every Heart Prepare Him Room by Nancy Guthrie

Includes song lyrics & prayers
Same devotional content as Guthrie’s “All is Bright”
The Dawning of Indestructible Joy by John Piper

Daily excerpts from Piper’s sermons
Great book for personal devotions
Come, Thou Long-Expected Jesus by Nancy Guthrie

Reading from 22 contemporary and classic theologians and Bible teachers.
Great book for personal devotions

Virginia Theological Seminary Interview about 30 Hour Famine

30 Hour Famine: A Youth Event with Staying Power

Posted by Admin on February 24th, 2016

“Don’t be afraid. Don’t short-change your youth – they can do this. 30 Hour Famine is a convicting and moving experience.”


30 Hour Famine at St. John’s
At St. John’s Episcopal Church in Charlotte, North Carolina, 30 Hour Famine is more than a youth program – it’s a parish institution. An annual event for 17 years, the 30 Hour Famine invites participants to experience hunger, and to raise money for hunger relief.

Building Faith recently interviewed Jillianne Booth, the youth minister at St. John’s. On February 26th, she will once again lead about 100 teenagers and 25 adults in the 30 Hour Famine.

How would you describe the 30 Hour Famine?
30 Hour Famine is an event to raise awareness for hunger and homelessness. It is actually a nation-wide (and world-wide) program, which you can learn more about at 30hourfamine.org.

The event allows youth (middle school and high school) to fast for 30 straight hours – starting on Friday and continuing until Saturday evening. During the fast, we are all together here at the church. We worship, play games, and do service projects off campus. For many students, the most powerful part is building cardboard shelters to sleep in on Friday night. All the shelters on the front lawn of the church create a ‘cardboard village.’

What is the primary goal?
There are several goals of the 30 Hour Famine. Certainly to raise awareness for hunger worldwide, and to help our youth experience a short period of hunger. Additionally, students raise money for hunger relief by obtaining sponsorships from family and friends. The opportunity to raise money is something our church takes seriously. In 16 years we have raised over 1 million dollars – this will be year 17, and so we’re starting on the next million!

Overall, an important aspect of 30 Hour Famine is encouraging our youth to reach out to the circles of people around them. The students write personal letters to request sponsorships, and this itself is a powerful experience. Students see that can make a positive difference. Another example is that because students begin their fast on Friday during school hours, they often need to explain to their peers why they are not eating.

What ages does it work best for?
At our church, 30 Hour Famine is for grades 6-12. And I can tell you that the sixth graders handle it amazingly well. As the students get older, they can do the event every year. Some of the high school students even do a 40 Hour Famine, in which they start fasting at 2 a.m. Friday morning. In total, we have 75 to 100 students, along with 25-30 adults participating.

Around Saturday afternoon, the students do get really hungry. Of course, health and safety are priorities. We have many adult volunteers who provide support, as well as drinks, etc. We do provide some food, usually rice and beans, if students need it. But overall, they really begin to identify with those people who lack sufficient food. Throughout the event, we give our kids tools and statistics to understand hunger. We also have children’s profiles from World Vision that we show on the screen in the hall.

How do you break the fast?
We break our fast with Eucharist on Saturday evening. St John’s has a regular 5 p.m. Saturday service – so we all go to that service and the youth serve as readers, ushers, intercessors, and chalice bearers. The theme of our famine is worked into the service in various ways. After worship we have a big meal in the parish hall, with many volunteers from the church providing food and hospitality.

How do you involve the whole church community?
This is a signature event, and it has really become part of the DNA of the parish. Everyone knows about 30 Hour Famine, and we publicize it well in advance. For example, there is big sign on the church lawn with a countdown to the event. We have parish volunteers to set up, break down, cook food, and help lead service projects such as creating small bags to distribute to the homeless. We also have our night watch team that stays up on the front lawn on Friday.

Can you describe a student for whom it was a powerful experience?
We have a student who is in the 9th grade this year. He discover that he could promote the 30 Hour Famine if he he showed up at every church service and met people outside to talk about it. Even the early 7:30 a.m. service! He is there every Sunday, telling people about the Famine. To see his dedication, brought out by this event, is really moving.

Do you recommend the materials from 30hourfamine.org?
Yes, absolutely. We get the kit each year, which is free. When you sign up to do the famine, they send you materials which include lots of practical advice and planning tools. Because we have such a large event, however, we have many additional planning teams and committees (worship, food, etc). We make our own theme each year.

Any other tips and tricks?
• Get the support and buy-in from the leadership of your church.
• Then seek support and buy-in from the entire church community.
• Brainstorm with a planning team.
• Know that there are MANY little details. For example, where are we going to get the cardboard?!
• Consider a volunteer coordinator. This has been a life saver for me!

Do you have advice for someone thinking of running this program?
Just do it! Don’t be afraid. Don’t short-change your youth – they can do this. 30 Hour Famine is a convicting and moving experience; you will be glad you brought this powerful event to your church.



Jillianne Booth is the Youth Minister at St. John’s Episcopal Church in Charlotte, NC. She has a Master’s in Christian Education from Pfeiffer University. Jillianne’s two beautiful children keep her busy and on her toes; she loves being a mom. In her spare time she tries to be like Rachael Ray and if she could have any other job in the world other than youth minister, it would be Rachael’s! Her other loves are Mexican food and flip flops.

Falling in Love with God

People who struggle to spend time with God don't have a scheduling problem, they have a love problem. Can we really fall in love with God? 100%, absolutely, yes! In fact, the formula for falling in love with Jesus is very simple ... falling in love with Jesus = time + attention.

So why is it so hard to do for some of us? It takes an extraordinary amount of work but God designed, planned, and created us for this work so we know it can absolutely be done! The effort is no different from many of the other challenging parts of a teenager's life. To be good at soccer or swimming, what does it take? To get good grades, what does it take? To have an engaging and fun social life, what does it take? To win or get the ultimate score on a video game, what does it take?

Practice, perseverance, commitment, time, and attention.

In our culture the word love gets thrown around A LOT! I love Mexican food. I love video games. I love my car. I love going shopping. I love Instagram. And on, and on, and on ... to the point that this word, love, has been kind of cheapened. It can be a challenge for teen's today to really grasp the true, intimate, and powerful meaning of love, especially hearing the words "God is love." Do we categorize that love with nachos, Call of Duty, and shoes or do we really get it?

Do we really understand, teach and model for our teens there is a God-sized hole in our hearts that ONLY the Holy Spirit can fill? Yes, it is possible to fall in love with God! It takes a ton of work. We as parents, youth advisors, and mentors can't make the teens we care so much about fall in love with God (as much as we'd like to sometimes). But we are called to make the introduction. We are called to teach and model teens how to love harder, engage more, make time, and most importantly to get over ourselves and be open to God's love.

Scripture is full of examples of God's love for us all. It is God's love letter to us. Don't know where to start with your teen in teaching them time + attention = falling in love with God? Start here:


Dear Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you (Psalm 139:1). I know when you sit down and when you rise up (Psalm 139:2). I am familiar with all of your ways (Psalm 139:3). Even the very hairs on your head are numbered (Matthew 10:29-31). For you were made in my image (Genesis 1:27). In me you live and move and have your being. For you are my offspring (Acts 17:28).

I knew you before you were conceived. (Jeremiah 1:4-5). I chose you when I planned creation (Ephesians 1:11-12). You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book (Psalm 139:15-16). I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live (Acts 17:26). I knit you together in your mother’s womb. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:15-16).

I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me (John 8:41-44). I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love (1 John 4:16). And it is my desire to lavish my love on you; simply because you are my child and I am your father (1 John 3:1). I offer you more than your earthly father ever could (Matthew 7:11), for I am the perfect father (Matthew 5:48) .

Every good gift that you receive comes from my good hand (James 1:17). I am your provider and I want to meet all your needs (Matthew 6:31-33). My plan for your future has always been filled with hope (Jeremiah 29:11). I will never stop doing good to you. I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul (Jeremiah 32: 40-41). For you are my treasured possession (Exodus 19:5). And I want to show you great and marvelous things (Jeremiah 33:3).

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me (Deuteronomy 4:29). For I am your greatest encourager (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17). I am also the one who comforts you in all your troubles (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). When you are brokenhearted I am close to you (Psalm 34:18). As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart (Isaiah 40:11). One day, I will wipe every tear from your eyes and I’ll take away the pain you have suffered on this earth (Revelation 21:3-4).

I am your father and I love you, even as I love my son, Jesus (John 17:23). He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you (Romans 8:31). Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled (2 Corinthians 5:18-19). His death was the ultimate Expression of my love for you (1 John 4:10). I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love (Romans 8:31-32). If you receive the gift of my son, Jesus, you receive me (1 John 2:23). And nothing will ever separate you from my love again (Romans 8:38-39). When you come home, I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen (Luke 15:7).

I have always been God and will always be God (Ephesians 3:14-15). My question is, will you be mine (John 1:12-13)? I’m waiting for you (Luke 15:11-32)

<3, God Almighty

Our Plans: God's Purpose

Are you a planner? Some people are, some people aren't! I tend to be a planner. Part of that is a function of my job as a youth minister: planning big events like the 30 Hour Famine or a weekend retreat, planning a Wednesday night Bible study or an EYC lesson, planning who I've missed seeing at EYC lately and want to check in on, planning how to find time to clean my house, do laundry, pack, and hang with my kiddos before heading out of town for the Winter Retreat, and so much more require lots of planning! I like to know what's happening, how it's going to (in theory) happen, when and where it's going to happen, and more! And when they are my plans ... I tend to fall in love with them and, for sure, have a hard time thinking they're not good! :)

That's not to say my plans (that I've been so in love with) haven't failed ...oh boy, have they! Sometimes they are little tiny fails that no one would really notices except for me ... like the time we planned a program using a black light and it went nothing like our team had planned. No one knew except for us and it turned out ok, just not at all what we had anticipated! And, sometimes the failing of plans are way more noticeable: like yesterday when I only printed 20 copies of my presentation on social media safety but had about 50 or 60 people attend the session. :)

We love our plans. We create them. They are good.

Joseph had plans. We've heard this story over the past few weeks, it being Christmas! Scripture tells us that Joseph had planned to quietly dismiss Mary when he found out she was pregnant. His mind was made up and he was ready to move forward. But what happened? An angel appears and tells him to change his plans! And we know, Joseph is obedient.

The wise men had plans! They had been instructed by Herod to go find the baby Jesus and return and tell him where He was to be found. The wise men agreed and proceeded with the plan. But what happened? They had a dream in which God told them to return home another way and not go to Herod. The wise men were obedient.

I had plans! The past four years working with Matt have been tremendous. I had no long-term plan of that changing. And, it was good!

You had plans in terms of the time you (and by you, I mean your kids) spend with Matt and how thankful you are for his leadership of youth ministry at SJE and wisdom.

To participate FULLY in God's purpose, sometimes we have to weak/change/re-direct our plans ... those plans we love so dearly and that are so good. Sometimes God swoops in to us just like Joseph and just like the wise men and changes our plans. We know from the story or Joseph and the wise men that it, too, will be worth it for us.

It seems to me that the most profound and impactful moments in our lives don't happen in an instance. Rather, God's plan and purpose for us is revealed over time. However, when we are in the midst of those instances and moments (especially when it involves a big change) it certainly doesn't feel that way. Changes can be tough to swallow because we don't necessarily like them, scary because we fear the unknown, or inconvenient because it wasn't the way we planned.

But to participate fully in God's plan, we must be obedient to God's purpose and plan. Some time months AND years from now, we will be able to look back on all of the moments and instances and piece God's plan together more fully! We'll be able to have a clear understanding of how one moment led to another moment that lead to another opportunity that led to another change that led to another instance. God's plan is good, it will all make sense, and the blessings will continue to be tremendous. I'm excited to obediently lead and guide us, through the Holy Spirit, down this particular path and am excited to watch Matt on his new path, too! Amen?